The Bystander Effect

Sitting in a 1st year Psychology lecture in 2002, listening to the theory behind the bystander effect, I never imagined that years later I would be lying on the ground, in public, seeing it unfold before my eyes.

This morning on my walk to work, I fell. I fell badly. I twisted my ankle. One minute, I was walking along the pavement towards work, listening to music, processing the very sad discovery of our baby bunny Clementine’s passing this morning, and within a second, I was lying on the ground. ‘Lying’ is such a nice description. It was more like ‘splayed’ across the ground. Limbs everywhere. Clothes, bags, all disheveled. Humiliation central. I was mortified. I needed help. I needed someone to say, ‘are you ok? Let me help you up.’

But people continued to walk, all around me. They were plugged in. They were busy. They were focussing on other things.

And I was on the ground. In Rundle street during peak morning time.

There was a man, the closest human to me; he was sitting at a table approximately 1.5 metres from where I fell. He looked up momentarily, and then he refocussed on his laptop. He made a split decision to ignore me. And he did an exemplary job.

I scooped myself up awkardly, in pain from putting weight on my ankle. The mornings events began to take their toll on my emotions, and I crumbled. Tears flowed. I felt like the greatest fool of all time. Perhaps I was invisible?

I sat on the chair of the cafe for a couple of minutes, trying to summon some composure so that I could get to work, and do good work. But I couldn’t summon any composure. I decided to press on anyway.

This folks, is the bystander effect. It is a person in need, in a public space, and everyone ignores them. The more people that are around, the more the responsibility of each individual person is diluted. They are all bystanders, just witnesses of the event. But something stops them from helping…. Perhaps it’s an avoidance of helping because no-one else is helping, therefore it must not be that bad? Perhaps it’s an unwillingness to go against the dreaded group-think – an unconscious decision made by the group to not help. Perhaps it’s just fear of being brave, and stepping outside of normal routine and reaching out to another human being. In any case, it’s psych 101. And it absolutely sucks.

So next time you are a bystander, will you break the norms and help?

I will.

J xox

Distraction By Installments

“Jane has potential, if only she wasn’t so distracted all the time…”

- every report card that I’ve ever received.

From a very young age, I have been highly distractable. I will begin a task with the best intentions, the knowledge of how to complete it, and… ooh, look over there! That looks interesting!

Sometimes, it is just my own mind distracting me, rather than bouquets of delight and intrigue blossoming in the external world. I will be on a solid train of thought, and all of a sudden, a new train of thought will come rolling into the station. So off on the tangent train I go… before too long I realise that I’m on the wrong line, and have to re-train my brain. Always daydreaming. Always thinking. Always focussing on something, and everything, all at the same time.

“[Distraction is] a full-blown epidemic—a cognitive plague that has the potential to wipe out an entire generation of focused and productive thought.”

- David Meyer

I have always tried to remedy this concentration issue of mine by keeping myself so busy that there was simply no time to waste. BUT, what I found, and am still finding, is that moments of distraction creep in, no matter how busy you are. Most of the time they involve some kind of checking in with all my social media portals such as facebook, twitter & instagram. What a plethora of fodder for distraction we can find there!! I wrote about that addiction here… But sometimes, my distractions and procrastination techniques are a little more inspiring, and involve something a little less interactive, like going for a quick walk around the building / touch my toes, then touch the sky (yes, that’s what I said) / listen to a piece of music / sit on the grass outside for 5 minutes / even just stare out, at the wall, or the air, or the floor, for a couple of minutes, in silence, in stillness. Yes, sometimes I do that. Sometimes when my brain goes into overload, I need to go into quiet mode…

“What information consumes is rather obvious: It consumes the attention of its recipients. Hence a wealth of information creates a poverty of attention, and a need to allocate that attention efficiently among the overabundance of information sources that might consume it.”

- Herbert A. Simon

My techniques at distracting myself have become so well-versed, that if distraction & procrastination was an academic stream, I would be the Professor. I could teach distraction & procrastination 101 in my sleep. But they are not the lessons we need.

Or maybe they are…?

I began thinking this weekend (ha! no surprises there), about how after some of my moments of distraction, I am often quite refreshed mentally, ready to refocus and keep going on with my Most Important Task (which I henceforth declare as a ‘MIT‘) of the moment. It is often the non-interactive interludes that offer the best opportunities for refocus on my MIT. It is almost like the temporary distraction actually recharged my brain, ready for the next session.

So. I did a little bit of reading, and what I discovered was surprising – distraction seems to actually be GOOD for you! But there is a caveat – only in small doses. Here are a few of the articles I found:

Lifehacker – distractions can be good for creative thinking - Fostering innovation & insight
When distraction is good – Receptive distraction vs deceptive distraction
Sparking creativity in the workplace – when daydreaming is good for you
Distraction: A good thing – a study from a University in the US, providing evidence that concentration following distraction is enhanced compared with straight concentration – real science! fabulous!
In Defence of Distraction – a lengthy and lush spring of words exploring the forest of distraction. Worth the read for explanations of the brain in attention/distraction modes and provides a very solid & convincing argument that distraction is not only completely natural, but it is beneficial.

By all accounts, distraction seems to be a good thing, but as we all know, it eeks away our time needed for our MITs!! How do we resolve the quandary where distraction is good AND distraction is bad?!?! What to do?

May I present to you my masterplan called DISTRACTION BY INSTALLMENTS!

1. Define your MITs – Use any one of a number of methods for this. I particularly like the SMART goals method. Be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic & Timeframed with your goals, and step by step, achieve them.

2. Next, Pomodoro it – Break down your workload into small 20-25 minute allotments of time, each one punctuated with a small amount of intentional distraction (it’s good for you!) Get stuff done. Pomodoro it.

3. Choose Receptive Distraction – This is personal. How do you refresh your mind? Music? Exercise? Send a message of gratitude? Nibble of healthies? Meditation? (I fail miserably at this, and thirty seconds in, find myself on a thought train that goes something like “I wonder what we should have for dinner, oh, I need to remember to pick up the dry-cleaning, I really would like some new boots, Benny was so great at footy today, I wonder if the bunnies have finished their food yet, I really need to sweep the courtyard…” One day I’ll learn. Maybe). The bottom line with this one, for me anyway, is that the distraction is much more energizing when it is not “deceptive”, and eats away at your time (ever lost 30 minutes or more on FB?) Choose short, sharp & shiny little interludes of bliss. Enjoy them. Relish them. Then get back to work. But if all else fails, you can just StayFocusd

Sounds easy, huh?! Well, it is!

So tell me, how do you temper your distractions? Do you naturally go for receptive or deceptive distractions? Am I the only one who can’t meditate for sake of a chatty mind?

Jane xox

 

PS I only checked facebook & twitter 267 times during the writing of this post.

SoapBox

About three years ago, my Sister Kate and I created a facebook group called ‘SoapBox’. It is essentially ‘Can of Worms’, but in facebook format. The group quickly grew from about 5 members (our Mum, our Aunty, you get the picture) to almost 100 members in it’s heyday… some of our discussions were quite topical and created polarising viewpoints, others generated a powerful level of groupthink. And then some other topics were not touched at all! This (below) is one of them. I suspect that it was the 20 minute video watching pre-requisite that made it seem like an assignment rather than an interesting discussion… :)

Anyway, I’ve decided to re-run it here because, dammit, I still think it is a worthy topic for discussion. Also, it is even more relevant to me now that my kids have grown older and love to live in virtual worlds. I would love to hear what your opinions are…

It is based on one of my favourite TED talks, given by the fabulously passionate Jane McGonigal, and asks the question “Can gaming make a better world?”

And so, here we go, 3 years later, I present to you one of my first SoapBox topics that was a massive flop….

**EDITED – Ok, so 3 years on, and it’s still a massive flop!! Time to retire it I think…**

–

Can gaming really make a better world?

Recently I watched a TED talk by the fabulous (and quite persuasive!) Jane McGonigal titled “Gaming can make a better world”. You can watch it here, and you’ll need about 20 minutes.

My question for everyone is: do you think games can actually make a better world? What do you think of Jane’s idea that playing games actually engenders positive self-belief and fosters creativity and ingenuity, even empowered and hopeful individuals? Is there a role for game play in enabling individuals to actually have a truly optimistic go at tackling a problem and going for (and experiencing) those ‘epic wins’?

Surely any activity that fosters such a positive emotional & psychological outcome has to be worth doing? So if that is the case, why have I spent so much time over the last 15 years yelling “get off the bloody computer!!” Perhaps what my gorgeous hubby has been doing all this time is giving himself opportunities to experience those ‘epic wins’ and reinforce his sense of worth & achievement. Perhaps it as an opportunity to develop highly focused problem solving skills in a ‘safe’ virtual world, skills that would then surely translate somehow to the real world? Perhaps this is what millions of people are doing all around the world when they play games. After all, games do indeed give us great feedback and lots of rewards…

What is your attitude to computer/console game play? Waste of time? Only for kids? How long do you (or yours) spend playing games? Is this too much? Not enough? Do you agree with Jane?

So, get up on your SoapBox and tell us if you believe Jane’s proposition that games can really make “super empowered hopeful individuals” that are a real asset to society & the future.

“You got the wrong guy!!”

My son, Benny Boy (as we affectionately call him), is an absolute cracker. There is no doubt about it, he is a born comedian. From the moment he could talk, he has cracked us up around the dinner table while playing the Best thing / Worst thing game (a bit of a ritual at our place). He has cracked us up with his renditions of different accents. He has cracked us up in front of his friends with his very own brand of slapstick. He is a cracker to the core.

Just lately, he has provided much needed light relief during our stressful time of renovating / moving / more renovating / settling in to new home. So I decided to start keeping note of some of the things that have made me laugh in the last few weeks. Here we go:

1. On a particularly morbid day, Harry (my 9 y.o) was talking about death. Not in a curious, I-want-to-know-more kind of way, more like a dumb-ways-to-die-gory-mode kind of way. Anyway, I suggested to Harry that we change the topic to something a little more pleasant. Like ‘Happiness’ and ‘Love’ for example. And Ben comes out with:

“Yeah, you gotta fall into the water of love, man!”

Since when did I give birth to a hippie?! I like it.

2. Benny was watching an AFL game. He is footy obsessed. We normally encourage it, but this day, we needed all hands on deck. It was a replay – he had seen it before. So I piped up “C’mon Benny, you need to help empty the trailer”… his reply?

“NOT NOW WOMAN!!”

Cue: under breath chuckle at the utter CHEEK of him while constructing a suitably chastising reply correcting his disrespectful (albeit hilarious) attitude.

3. The very first day the kids were allowed into the new & empty house they invented a new game (“You can’t play with your ipads! Or the PS3! or the computer! or our phones! You’ll just have to find something else to play with!!)…. it was called “Crazy Chasey Sword Fight!”, featuring rolls of wrapping paper as swords. Before too long, my young soldier Benny Boy, was running down the long central hallway, followed closely by his older brother weilding said wrapping paper, and Benny was yelling…

“You go the wrong guy, man! You got the wrong guy!!”

Hilarious. Anyone would think he was acting out a scene from a gangster movie…

4. Ok, I can’t quite remember the context of this next one. Suffice to say, Benny was trying to explain something he’d done at school that day. After a couple of questions asking for more detail, Benny comes out with:

“You don’t know what I’m talkin about. I don’t know what I’m talkin about. Let’s not talk about it.”

GOLD. This boy should be writing Seinfeld episodes.

5. This one was just a few days ago.. he was watching TV.. yep, footy again. And I mentioned that it was bedtime, only about the third reminder that he needs to wrap it up and head up to bed. And this is what I got:

“But MUM! It is my DESTINY to watch this show until the END!”

Well played Benny, but that’s not *quite* the context in which we use the word ‘destiny’. Good try though.

6. And then tonight as I was sorting a squabble between my boys at dinner… (I love this gem…)

“Mummy, you are my Queen of Justice!”

Yes Benny, I am. :)

–

Ahhh, the things that kids say. I’m sure your kids say some gems too – please share so that we may all enjoy the youthful experimentation of communication… :)

Jane xxx

 

 

 

 

Out with the new and in with the old

DOOR

Today is the last day before we handover our ‘old house’ to it’s new owners.

It has taken us a little over three weeks, but we packed up 14 years of living and memories into boxes and baskets, and we drove them to our ‘new house’ where we have been comfortably settling in.

Incidentally, our ‘old house’ is only 14 years old, we built it just as our first baby was born. Our ‘new house’ is closing in on 100 years old. Out with the new, and in with the old.

We lived in our house together for a few years before we bulldozed it, and built what we thought would be our ‘forever’ house. We chose everything about it. The paint colours. The tiles. The curtains. The front door. The tapware. Everything. Everything is stamped with Jane and Tom. Even the driveway where we carved our initials as the concrete was setting…

We brought our three babies home, to that house. We watched them as they took their first steps, in that house. We shouted at them “GO TO SLEEP!” from the family room as we watched late night telly, in that house. We celebrated so many milestones, all my babies birthday’s, my 30th, my graduation, Tom’s 40th, the 1999-2000 NYE and countless others, in that house.  So many beautiful memories.

That house, was our home. For so long. It is where we created our young family. But as time goes on, needs and desires change. Turns out, that the design we though was perfect when I was 21 and Tom was 26 and we had a jellybean growing fast in my belly, wasn’t so perfect for forever. It was however, perfect for 14 years.

So today, on our last day, I am surprised by the lack of lament that I have when walking around for the last time, gazing out our bedroom window at the back yard for the last time, closing the french doors to our courtyard for the last time, switching off the lights for the last time, and closing the front door and locking it for the last time. I am expecting to weep, but it’s not happening… Instead, I’m smiling. I’m ready to leave this house. You see, this house, is exactly that. It’s a house. Our home is already somewhere else :)

Vale, our first family home. You were perfect to bring our family into the world. And I hope you will be perfect for your next family too :)

Jane xxx

#LovingtheLike

Hate and negativity. It surrounds us. It attempts to take over.

BUT HATE SUCKS!!!

(I really ‘dislike’ hate)

In my utopia, everyone would be friends. We would all appreciate our own unique individual differences, and we would live in harmony.

Tell ‘er she’s dreamin!

I know. I’m dreaming. That’s me – I’m a dreamer. But I think I can spot an opportunity to spread just a little more love. And that’s what this post is about – spreading the love – or rather – the LIKE :)

I recently read a post, by the wonderful Bianca Wordley, called It’s a Little Word. You should read it. It starts with the idea of ‘star of the week’, which is a feature in some primary school classrooms (I know my kids have it too), where one child is chosen as star of the week, and gets the opportunity to feel special. I love this. It ends with the idea that, as adults, we can adopt a similar approach, to spread the like. To appreciate others, and to verbalise it.

I also read another post recently, by the wordsmith John James, called Do You Leave People Feeling Better Or Worse? You should read this one too. It challenges you to think about the way you impact on people, and whether that impact is a positive one, or not-so-positive.

So I started thinking. Thinking about the way I feel when in others presence, and thinking about the way I might make others feel. I hope that I have a positive impact on others. And if I don’t, I would like to. I would really like to think that all the positive things I think of others, are being felt by those others.

I am so inspired by these words of others, and the thought process that they have put me on, that I have decided to create something. My own expression of these thoughts and feelings. In a similar spirit to the movements of ‘pay it forward’ and ‘random acts of kindness’, I’m going boldly into sharing-the-like mode, and starting my own little movement:

I’m calling this one #LovingtheLike

Every day (probably many times a day!), I am going to verbalise to every person in my life what it is that I like about them. I am going to work my way through each and every person in my real life network, as well as my social media network. And I’m never going to quit. I am going to appreciate every single one of you. I want to make you feel good about YOU.

And I would really like you to join me!

If you want to join me, you don’t have to go as overboard as I’m going, but when you do tell people (on social media) what it is you like about them, use the hashtag #LovingtheLike.

So c’mon everyone, let’s spread the love. No, the like :)

Who’s with me?

xxx

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Back in 5

All I need is 5 minutes.

To gather my thoughts.

To not have to talk, or listen.

Just be.

Just me.

I’m not special. No more special that each and every one of you. We all have the same amount of time in our day. We choose to fill it up. Fill it right up until it overflows.

(Well, I do that. Others are smarter.)

And sometimes when my life overflows, I feel close to spontaneous combustion. Today was a good example. Nothing in particular to report, just all the different categories of my life today were pressing for more attention. Attention that I need to give. Need to focus. Giving. Talking. Listening. Learning. It’s all wonderful. Yes, it is! I love it! And I wouldn’t have my life any other way.

But sometimes the days are weary, and it is only now at 11:11pm on a Thursday night, when I begin to have some real time (not just snippets) to just think and be present in my day.

There is guilt that I can’t direct more energy in each and every particular direction of my life. It’s getting to the point where I need to clone myself to ensure that everything is done.

They know how to clone now, right?

*sigh*

All I need is 5 minutes….

xxx

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Footy Practice Review

photo

Benny (6 y.o.) had his first footy training session tonight. He absolutely loved it :) Here’s the conversation that followed when we got home:

Me: So, Benny, what did you think of your very first footy practice?!

Benny: Oh! It was totally AWESOME!! Except for the boss.

Me: Oh, you mean the coach?

Benny: Yeah, yeah, that’s right. The coach…. He’s mean! AND he’s bossy! He makes us do PUSHUPS!

Harry (9 y.o.): That’s all part of it Ben. You better get used to it.

Benny: It is SOO not part of it Harry! When have you seen footy players doing pushups in the middle of a game?!

Harry: It’s part of practice Ben. You have to warm up and stretch n stuff. That’s why I’m not doing it. I’m joining the science club instead.

Benny: I HATE it. But I love it too! So I’m gonna keep doing it :)

Me: Well, I’m glad that you want to keep doing it Benny, because I think you’re fabulous!

 

(five minutes later)

Harry: Mum? Is there an actual science club…..?

–

Ahhh, my boys, so so different :)

xxx

Dear Crying Stranger,

I don’t know you, and I don’t know your story. But when I saw you in your car today, letting tears cascade down your cheeks, my heart went out to you. I wanted to be Amanda Palmer in her TED talk, and give you a daisy, and say ‘it’s ok’. But maybe it wasn’t ok? And you know what, that’s ok…

There you were, in the drivers seat of a car on the other side of the road today, stopped in traffic like me, probably on your way home. I don’t know what made me turn around. But I did, and I saw your face crumple. You closed your eyes. And the first tear rolled. And then another… And then a flood. Your head dropped, and you let the emotion that had been rippling within, bubble over the surface like a saucepan of hot milk. Sometimes a little spill is all that’s needed to reset the equillibrium. Sometimes the boil over lasts longer. But today, crying stranger, your bubbling, simmering emotions grew large enough to boil over and out of the edge of your being, just for the briefest moment.

Then almost as quickly as it happened, you smoothed the crumple of your face, you took a deep breath, you opened your eyes, you squared your shoulders, and you looked straight ahead with steely resolve while you wiped your tears. And then you drove off, home, wherever that may be…

What happened today, beautiful woman with tears? Was someone insensitive with you? Did someone not listen, or care? Or perhaps you were missing someone? Or maybe you just found out some bad news about a loved one? Or maybe, and sometimes the worst of all, the intangible sadness… The sadness that overwhelmes you at unsuspecting moments, for no reason whatsoever. Not a reason that you are aware of anyway…

Whatever the reason is, beautiful crying stranger, I hope that your tomorrow is better than today. And here is a daisy, just for you…

daisy

 

Jane xox

My name is Jane, and I’m a Social Media Addict

Yes, go on, I can hear the sniggers from here – I’m admitting that I’m a social media addict ON SOCIAL MEDIA… But bear with me, grab yourself some snacks, and settle in for a bit of self-reflection…

Let’s start with the concept of Mindfulness. If you google the word “mindfulness”, you will discover a wealth of information about this practice, which intersects with many schools of thought, but primarily (IMO), psychology & buddhism. It is essentially concerned with the awareness of reality as it is right now. If you are engaging in self reflective thought, you are, essentially, being mindful. You are stepping outside of your body & mind, and reflecting from afar, what it is you are thinking, and how you are feeling, why you are feeling that way, and what is going on in your world.

I engage in mindful thinking constantly. Being a woman of strong emotions, and a steady variety of impulsive behaviour, I find myself questioning my thoughts, behaviours & emotions every minute of every day. Why is it that I feel sad that ‘x’, or why am I feeling so happy right now, or why did ‘a’ motivate me to do behaviour ‘b’?

Anyway, in the midst of my questioning, and the rugby tackle of my new job, I began to question WHY I engage in so much social media. It was a hard question to pose to myself. There is no doubt that I am embedded. If you are reading this post, you can see from my contact page that I have many online presences, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+ to name a few… I check all these portals of connection every day. But I know that ‘every day’ a bit of an understatement… So, I decided to conduct an experiment on myself. I had never logged how many times in a day I had ‘checked’ my social media portals, even for the briefest of moments. Nor had I ever logged how many times in a day I had broadcast a message on social media.

So I decided to measure it, and let my findings speak for itself…

To begin the experiment, I deactivated my Facebook account & my Twitter account (my two big social networks). Not only could I not look, but people could not interact with me. There was no way out of it. I was disconnected. My first impressions were that of withdrawal (seriously Jane?). Yes, withdrawal. I immediately wanted to reverse my deactivation. What were people saying? What were they doing? I want to interact!! Because I was disconnected, I wanted to be connected even MORE. If it was just there for the checking, perhaps the disconnection anxiety, and subsequent withdrawal, would’ve been non-existant. But, there it was, already signalling to me that I was somewhat addicted.

Ok – so Addiction… What is the difference between liking something a whole lot, and being addicted to it? Telltale signs of addictive behaviour include a preoccupation with ‘it’, a lack of control over how often you engage with ‘it’, continued use of ‘it’, despite any negative consequences, and a denial of an ‘addiction’ with ‘it’.

Since early Friday morning, I have had no less than 50 instances when I would’ve checked twitter or facebook. Not necessarily interacted, but checked. Not because I really needed to, but because I had a moment of spare time, picked up my phone, and that’s just what I would do. Preoccupation maybe? Hell yes. This is also a lack of control. But how about continued use of it despite negative consequences – this one is a bit trickier… The amount of social connections I have made (an overwhelming positive), versus the amount of distraction it generates for me is difficult to measure! How do we quantify social connectiveness, and the value of that social connectiveness, compared with the amount of time taken away from other, potentially more valuable activities. So how to do it? I didn’t. That’s a whole study in itself. All I know is that I have a lot of connections that are mutually beneficial, but who knows what negative consequences are happening without my awareness… It would take a good amount of ‘disconnect’ time to identify these kinds of factors. Lastly, what about a denial of addiction… Who me? Addicted? No WAY! (and there you have it…)

So, after being mindful of my addiction, and my decision to disconnect from social media for just one weekend… what did I learn?

1. I missed it
2. I busied myself with other things
3. The other things were good!
4. I wanted to record these other things by tweeting them & updating facebook….
5. But I didn’t
6. I cleaned more
7. I exercised more
8. I spoke to people ON THE PHONE
9. I read more of my book

But by the end of my three day self-imposed social media ban, the biggest thing was:

10. I felt an overwhelming, but strange sense of freedom, of disconnection, of just being. Without recording. Without connection. Without checking what others were doing. It was just me, and my family. And it was fabulous.

Now, don’t get my message wrong – I’m not suggesting for a minute that social media is an evil that we should all give up, and certainly not after such a short amount of time. I do think it is an invaluable communication tool, and gives us the opportunity to connect with so many others that we may never otherwise have connected with. What I am suggesting is that we all take a moment, an hour, a weekend, a week or a month… to be MINDFUL about our interaction with social media. Is it beneficial for you? Why do you do it? What else are you missing by focussing on it? Are you ADDICTED? If you are, maybe a bit of separation & reflection may be good for you?

xxx